Engaging sociopath mode now. My jaw clenches, and I want to be anywhere but here. That particular place at the moment is an office where I basically answer phones most of the time. I bite my tongue to avoid telling a woman on the other line that all her technical problems could be solved if she would just take a nice bath and drop a live toaster in the water. What the fuck am I doing here? It takes nearly an hour to drive here without traffic and twice as long during rush hour. I'm getting paid 9 dollars an hour, so why did I ever spend four years at a difficult college? I guess I shouldn't complain about having another job, but I could do better. To avoid the worst of rush hour, I end up eating dinner at a restaurant across the street. My immediate options are The Grill Room and Fuddrucker's. Unfortunately, I chose Fuddrucker's.
If you've never been to a Fuddrucker's, then let me save you the trouble. I admit their burgers are tasty, but it's not worth the mental damage of going inside. Anyway, I got the chicken tenders, and they sucked a big fat one. Once you place your order, the cashier gives you a beeper coaster that actual restaurants with reservations use. As I waited for my beeper to go off, I glanced at my fellow Fuddruckians. One guy in a wheelchair wearing a baseball cap over long, dirty hair was simply staring at his fries as if trying to muster up the will to care that they were getting cold. At least three other tables had white haired men picking at their burgers and sighing. There was not one attractive woman in sight. Did we come here to punish ourselves? To avoid that question I sent my girlfriend a text message:
"There was once a sad cloud that never spoke aloud. He made friends with a mountain but the mountain left him for a fountain. And the sad little cloud went bohoo."
I had to leave out an 'o' in boohoo since the text can only be 160 characters, but that pretty much says it all. Fuddrucker's is goddamned depressing. I was about to ask one of the old guys sitting closest to me if I could borrow his steak knife to slash my throat when my beeper coaster went off. My three flat chicken tenders and fries had arrived. Fuddrucker's does have a nice condiments station with fresh lettuce and jalapenos and many types of sauces. But no matter how much you polish a turd, it still remains a piece of shit. I polished my own with jalapenos, jalapeno cheese, and what may have been BBQ sauce.
To avoid looking at my food, I looked at the decorations. Pictures of celebrities are hung everywhere in a sad mockery of the Hard Rock Cafe. One picture has a handmade sign posted on the bottom that says "Chuck Berry." When the hell did Chuck Berry ever eat here? What the fuck am I doing here? I finish my fries and leave.
I'm 10 miles away in heavy traffic when I realize that I left my cell phone there. I start yelling loud enough to startle some poor woman on the sidewalk since my windows are open. Fuddrucker's is there waiting half an hour later, and my phone is still on the table along with the sad remains of my meal. I grab the phone and slip back into traffic.
An hour later, I was still in traffic and started smacking the dashboard. What the fuck am I doing here? To avoid killing the guy who just cut me off before putting on his brakes, I started compiling a list of everything I hate.
I hate people who are too smart to realize they're stupid and too stupid to realize they're smart. I hate it when people dress up their pets; if you want to do that, then make a baby. I hate it when people don't eat the crust on their pizza. I hate it when toilet paper sticks to my ass. I hate how most news channels consistently try to scare us into watching their otherwise uninformative crap. I hate it when people text while driving - I hope your thumbs wither and die. I hate it when people interrupt me while I'm thinking. I hate people who... I hate people.
Phew - OK, no more Fuddrucker's or crappy part time jobs for me. I love the deep blue the sky turns after sunset. I love it when the right woman picks the right summer day to not wear a bra and walks right past me. I love how people are capable of performing random acts of kindness for people they've never met and will never know. I love the way warm sand feels between my toes. I love how insanely ticklish my girlfriend is. I love how fast my new bike can go. I love knowing that there's always another type of food or drink out there for me to try. I love a good book. And fine, I suppose I love people sometimes.
Hopefully, that balances out some of the hate, but it's time to find a new restaurant and a new job.
