This will be the first day that I can really let go, since I've been trying to somehow squeeze 20 hours of web writing into the last 3 days. So I guess what happened this morning could be viewed as a test. My SuperBall hurt this morning, and when I went to the bathroom, there was blood in my stool - unmistakably so. These are the same conditions that I noticed about a month before I was diagnosed. I checked the vein on my remaining testicle - was there a lump on the end? I can't quite tell, but if so, then having access to the vein, a vascular intersection, would cause it to spread faster.
This could just be paranoia/hypochondria. The point is I thought this was over. I thought that I got the surgery so that I could have that answer. I'm realizing that there are no guarantees, and the check-ups I have scheduled for later months are starting to make more sense.
So what should I do - disrupt my trip to Miami and go see my oncologist and urologist - have them assure me that there is nothing wrong and these worries are perfectly natural or have them deliver grim news and have to stop my trip altogether? Not a fucking chance. I can wait for that answer when I go to one of my scheduled check-ups. I'll be a compliant patient and report the symptoms when that time comes. This month is mine.
I'm beginning to realize that the surgery wasn't about just getting an answer of spread or no spread - the lasting answer was that I can do what it takes to get my answer when the time comes. After all, I do have time, and what is there left to lose in terms of packaging? Either I'll keep my SuperBall for the rest of my life, or I'll deal with that loss when it comes. I can't let the time leading up to that moment of truth be filled with worries over possible outcomes. I can't let a future moment define my present life.
So I'm considering this to be my first day of vacation, the first day where I truly let go. What do I need to do now? Go to the beach, babewatch, and drink tequila with good people. That's it.
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