There will be stories of New York after I somehow do 20 hours of web writing and 20 pages of fiction in the next two days – Jeezus. But for now I have a bit of brain phlegm that needs to be hawked up.
A big part of this trip has been trying to master my fears, but there is one fear that trumps all. That's the fear of losing my remaining testicle. I thought this fear would be the Ace up my sleeve, the one idea that would put all my other stupid fears into perspective. To some extent that's been true.
But as I've faced some of those fears, I've realized that this one fear has started to loom larger. Pretty soon it could just be me and it – not good. What will I do if that comes to pass? Could I still consider myself a man? Would I slice-shoot-splat myself? Would I have the not balls to do just that? Not a chance – I plan on being around for a good chunk of time.
I've been thinking a bit about God. Is He out there? Is this a test, a punishment? Are there some actions that I need to atone for? The fear has grown to the point that I have to lean against the toilet when I check myself and wait for the dizzying waves of panic to subside. Other times, I wake up with heavy breathing and wetness on my cheeks – what a way to start the day.
And is that what it's come down to – constantly feeling sorry for myself and defining my entire life by one measly orb that's not even the size of an egg? I can't hold on to this fear any longer. I have to let it go and wait patiently for my next check-up. It's time to put my fears aside and focus on the joys of being alive.
I've come up with a little prayer to help me do that: Please give me the courage to find happiness, and please let me keep my SuperBall for many years to come. If you must take it, then so it goes. Amen.
Take it. Take these, those, this and that. I have friends, family, lovers, places to go, people to meet, stories to be shared, memories to be made, experiences to be created.
Take what you will because I have plenty.
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