How to live on 50 dollars for the next two weeks (and still pay rent)

I had a wonderful Tuesday night out that involved a sweet dinner ( thank you groupons) and a strip club. The strip club was somewhat disappointing because all the dancers had some weird latex covering their nipples. My girlfriend informed me that this is probably because buying a liquor license and having fully nude dancers is more expensive in Chicago (take me there - i'll pay more!). Nevertheless. two of the dancers were gorgeous and fun despite the others (I don't care about the background story; I detest lazy and indifferent strippers). All in all plus some, it was a good night.

I awoke next morning to my beautiful Nubian princess going "oh, crap." We had forgotten to turn in both of our hours last week to a reliable employer. "Oh God, oh God. How could we... why... what?" I gasped as I realized that we had forgotten to turn in our month's rent to pay them bills. Rent, crap, rent, fuck, rent, time to try to sleep for another hour.

I couldn't sleep, so I hopped on my newly refurbished bike and cruised down a track that parallels Michigan lake. I saw a few homeless people sleeping under bridges and then came across a young androgynous woman dressed as the statue of liberty. In between deep breaths, I realized that she was holding a sign for a tax return agency (Liberty Mutual maybe?). I remembered that I hadn't yet filed my tax return for 2009 (to be truthful, I remembered this 10 minutes after waking, but the liberty girl helped drive the point home). I should get some of them dollar bills from that return, right?

After returning from biking, I used TurboTax to file my return. In 2009, I worked two different jobs. One was a crappy minimum wage job for Staples, and the other was a teaching gig for Kaplan . My return ended up being more than two times the month's rent.

Stellar! The only issue is that I'm supposed to get that return within 8-14 days time. I filed the return on March 24th and the rent is due on April 5th. I'm hoping that some new IRS agent is getting his wings on this job. If not, then my beautiful girlfriend has stocks in Ford, which she bought when they weren't doing so well. However, she bought this with money that her grandfather, who passed away recently, left her. This is a last option that I don't want to use. I guess I'm supposed to say something funny here, but I'd rather have someone stuff my open mouth with them dollar bills.