Apocalypse Training

So the government came through for me. The IRS gave me my tax return in time to pay rent. I'm going to send them an envelope filled with white sugar powder to let them know they're sweet. But what happens when there are no governments, no one left to lend a hand? Of course, I'm talking about the apocalypse and then living in a post-apocalyptic world. At this point, you can only rely on yourself.

I was reminded of this when my bike was stolen at Navy Pier. I parked my bike of the apocalypse and locked it up with my dinky cord lock. It had vanished when I came back 15 minutes later. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I screamed to everyone and no one in particular. A bike is the number one transportation tool in the event of an apocalypse. They don't need gas or constant maintenance, and you don't have to worry about flat tires if you buy unbreakable inner tubes. I only had my apartment keys, so I had to jog the 8 or so miles back home. This is also good apocalypse training; you never know when you'll have to flee or pursue. Have you trained for the apocalypse lately?

If the answer is 'yes', then good, keep doing so. If not, then you are one of the soon-to-be-dead stragglers whose leftover possessions will fuel my ongoing struggle. Allow me to elaborate, elongate, and elucidate; apocalypse training does not include surviving the moment of apocalypse. This is unrealistic since end of the world scenarios can range from zombie viruses to nuclear holocausts to alien invasions. Rule #1 is don't expect some random guardian angel farting out hymns to save your ass. You either make it past this random tragedy or you aren't aware of what follows. Suppose you are one of the lucky (or unlucky) few to survive, then what skills will give you edge? Please tell me that you've been paying attention; the first thing you want is a bike.

Get used to the fact that it's a man eat whatever he can find world, so your bike might get stolen. Make sure you can move long distances on foot to track down the thief. Of course, there are other skills that you'll need to learn along the way. Holding your breath is a useful once, since you never know when you'll have to wade through some poisonous fumes to save a puppy who will become your only companion in a godforsaken wasteland. Find interesting ways to increase your lung capacity. I always hold my breath when I sprint up three stories to my apartment floor. At first it was hard to reach the third floor; now I can make it halfway down the hallway before almost passing out. My eventual goal is to make it up the stairs and unlock the three locks on my door before passing out. This is also good practice for unlocking and locking in quick succession. If you're trying to outrun radiation junkies hungering after your last gamma apple, then you don't want to be fumbling for your keys.

You want more apocalypse training tips? Hmmm I don't know if I want to give you those advantages since I may one day have to fight you to the death for a cache of Twinkies. Ok... so the obvious place to start is with your diet. Starve yourself but not for the awesome streamlined look. Do it for the long periods that may come in between meals. Next step is gorge yourself. You can practice this at any nearby buffet restaurant. This is key since you want to make the most of every meal. If you want to take this to the next level, then try eating expired food. How else are you going to work your way up towards consuming 9 pounds of roadkill while the night harpies are honing in on your heat signature? In addition to diet, there is hygiene - you should forget about this trifle. How long can you go without showering? Can you go two weeks? That's still not enough so keep it dirty.

So far, we've covered transportation, breathing, eating, and hygiene. The next step is relentless killing. Firearms seem attractive at first, but these still require maintenance. Plus, with no bullets, you just have a piece of metal that's nothing better than a club. Stick with blades - you should have a slicing knife and a stabbing knife. These will be great for killing bike thieves or just carving your name into trees so future entities will know that something managed to survive during those twisted times.

The final thing is get used to reading often. I have a sneaking suspicion that books will be one of the few things to survive most apocalypse scenarios. There will be no cable and no internet; there will only be you, the voices in your head, and some words on a page. Make friends! Follow these tips, and perhaps one day we can share a bike ride while we scour the desert for cactus folk and their precious water hoards.